Actually, I'm stuck on two. Let me know which one you like the best, or which elements of each you like (or don't).
#1. Michael is
#2. When the ghost goes from harmless
Genre: Paranormal Romance (adult)
Title: Nepenthe
To all the participants - best of luck to all! (squeal! Suzie Townsend!)
(added 1/04/11 @ 11:30)
Thanks so much for the feedback! Objectivity is a wonderful thing- you're right on the "rush" thing.
Maybe:
# 3. When a powerful ghost wants Kate to become one too, she must face her past to banish him, or lose her future and her
(tweaking to show all the votes for "mortal" instead of "living". You guys are the best!)
I can see an intriguing story in this pitch, but it's not clear enough. I'm not sure what a harmless rush is pitch 1, it could be just me, I don't know. So I'm leaning toward pitch 2, but then I like the last bit of pitch 1. I don't know, maybe something like this --->
ReplyDeleteWhen Kate falls for a living, Michael, her personal ghost, goes from harmless to jealous, & now she must face her past to banish him or die.
Or something like it. I hope this helps and good luck! :D
I like the second one much better, and I don't know what a rush is either.
ReplyDeleteI actually like one better because it feels more active, but I also did not know what a rush was.
ReplyDeleteSorry to echo everyone, but I don't know what a rush is either and it's not apparent from the context. The first pitch seems too divided between characters and while that's typically fine for romance novels, this is a very short pitch so it should be more focused. I like the second one b/c it IS a bit more focused, but I also think it could do with some clarification.
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for the feedback! Objectivity is a wonderful thing- you're right on the "rush" thing.
ReplyDeleteMaybe:
When a powerful ghost wants Kate to become one too, she must face her past to banish him or lose her future and her (living) lover.
Number 2 all the way. The first one doesn't sound like there is much of a question there. The second one gives a better explanation for the "why" of the story.
ReplyDeleteTweaking number 3:
ReplyDeleteWhen a tormented ghost wants Kate to become one too, she must face her past to banish him, or lose her future and her current lover.
Ooooh, Clutzattack, I like it!
ReplyDeleteI like 1 or 3.
ReplyDeletebethfred.com
Agree with Beth, I love 1 and 3. I think I like 3 better though.
ReplyDelete3 is definitely better. Must be a better way to describe her lover, though. Mortal lover?
ReplyDeleteGoing with Clutzattack! The revision is ready to go!
ReplyDelete3 is my favorite. Although I would have written it more like, "Michael, a powerful ghost, wants Kate to become like him; forcing her to face her past to banish him & save her mortal lover." That's just me though. Every writer is different. I'm intrigued by what I've read though! Good job & good luck in the contest!! :)
ReplyDeleteVery nice! The only tweak I could see is removing the parethesis in order to smooth the flow. Something like this:
ReplyDelete"When a powerful ghost wants Kate to become one too, she must face her past to banish him, or lose both her future and her living lover."
Again, just a nit-noid tweak on my part. You have a fantastic pitch.
Going with you and Clutzattack! I like #3, but I don't like "...(living) lover." I would take that out and perhaps use, "or lose her future and mortal lover."
ReplyDeleteThere were three "hers" in a row I tried to obsolete one of them.
Otherwise, pitch is awesome and I would like to read this book. Good Luck.
Thank you for your comments on my pitch - I went back and made a 2nd entry. If you have a chance take another look and let me know what you think.
Good Luck again! Awesome.
Wow, I feel like I'm coming too late to the game because your revised #3 is SO much stronger! I also vote for mortal lover rather than living lover.
ReplyDeleteGreat job, and thanks for your comments on mine.
Good luck!
Definitely #3! And I love the premise. Sounds interesting!
ReplyDeleteI love the premise, too. The revision is great, but I found the wording of the last part a bit confusing. Maybe "or lose her mortal lover--and her life."
ReplyDeleteyour revised number three is getting stronger for sure. perhaps instead of "wants kate to become one too" you could simplify to "wants kate to join him" giving you more words to work with.
ReplyDeletedouglas esper
I think three is the best so far and I like mortal over living. It's a stronger word.
ReplyDeleteLooks like you've got things under control. Sounds like a great book. Best of luck with the contest!
ReplyDeleteOh I really like the 3rd one. You've evolved it in all good ways ;o)
ReplyDeleteWhen a powerful ghost wants Kate to [join him in the afterlife], she must face her past to banish him, or lose her future and her mortal [love].
I really like it! I just tweaked a couple things. Great job!!
Ooh I like the 3rd one. You've made some great revisions. Good job!
ReplyDeleteAmazing! The third one TOTALLY hooks, whereas the first two didn't. When can I read this? Get yourself published like NOWWWWW (or adopt me as a beta reader)
ReplyDeleteDefinitely #3!!! It is by far the most interesting and clear. GREAT job and thanks for commenting. This is sooo hard, huh? LOL
ReplyDeleteI vote #3 with Doug's suggestion "to join him".
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
When a powerful ghost wants Kate to become one too, she must face her past to banish him, or lose her future and her mortal lover.
ReplyDeleteInteresting! Good job at putting all the information in 140 characters. I do think you can get rid of the word powerful because the situation seems dire enough without it (sounds scary to have a dead man wanting you to join him). It might also sound better if she overcomes her past and faces him--just a minor point. Overall, I like this pitch!
it may be just me but i'm ot too fond of the phrase 'face her past' as it seems to be overused...Just me I suspect.
ReplyDeleteI like number three (with the tweaks) best. Nice work!
ReplyDeleteI like 3 the best as well
ReplyDeleteBrandi Kosiner
#3 as well, using "mortal" to make distinction with ghost. I don't know what a rush is either (the meaning of it in your book). If it's a term you created, capitalize it.
ReplyDelete