Friday, October 21, 2011

"Leave Us Breathless" contest hosted by Brenda Drake.

Another great contest hosted by Brenda Drake. Get the deets for this contest here:

Title: Hellfire
Genre: YA Urban Fantasy
WC: In progress
This is a scene from my current WIP. Cole is half demon/half human. Humans are naturally afraid of him, so physical contact isn't something he's used to. This is from Avery's POV, who isn't a regular human, and isn't scared of Cole. This is Avery and Cole's first kiss.

Cole shoved his hands into the pockets of his jeans and stared out at the water. “It’s stupid. Forget about it.”
“No way.” I picked up a rock and put it in his hand. “If it’s so stupid then why don’t you just tell me?”
“Blooping isn’t something... I can’t really...” He gave a huge huff. “I’d have to show you, and I don’t know if you’d want me to.”
Cole was embarrased for once? I tried not to smirk. “Oh, I want you to show me all right.”
Looking me in the eye with one eyebrow raised, he said, “just remember that you asked for it.” He drew back to throw the rock in the lake, then hesitated. “The rule is we don’t stop until we hear the rock bloop.” The rock flew from his hand.
“Stop wh...”
He took my face in his hands and planted a kiss on my lips. It was tentative and soft, and quick since the rock went bloop.
Cole stepped back, and slowly bent to pick up another rock while I stayed rooted to the spot, frozen with tingling that broke free of my stomach and spread all over.
“Next time I throw it farther,” Cole said quietly and waited for me to nod.
He smiled, relieved, and wound his arm back. The rock flew.
His kiss was more confident this time. His lips parted slightly, and then the rock went bloop.
“One more throw,” he whispered.
“Make it far,” I whispered back.
He stepped back, bent down for a rock, and threw.
All hesitation left him, as though he couldn’t stand being careful around me anymore, and the guard he had kept up crumbled. His lips moved firmly over mine without being rough.
When we broke for air, Cole gasped and held me close. “Holy hell,” he whispered. He was trembling.

(P.S. I'm currently searching for critique partners. I write paranormal YA and some adult. If you think our styles would match nicely, send me an email.)


  1. Breathless. I especially loved the first kiss. :)

  2. Great job! I think you could drop the comma before trembled, but great stuff! (I'm sending you a CP email when I get a chance ;)

  3. Thanks for the comments. (Yes, Jenny, please do!)

  4. *sigh* Love it when a kiss leaves the guy breathless. A very sweet excerpt that took us from tentative to confident.

  5. Nicely done. I really enjoyed reading this. I'm entranced. :)

  6. Nice job! I loved this scene and would love to read more! :)

  7. Very nice. I love the idea of kissing just as long as it takes for the rock to land.

  8. This is beautiful. And such a sweet first kiss. If I wasn't full to the brim with crit partners I think we'd be a good fit. Good luck and hope to see this on the shelf one day soon!

  9. *sigh*. This was really beutiful and I enjoyed reading this scene. Very well done.

  10. I really liked this. It's so simple, and it's the kind of scene that sticks with you. I don't know either character, but you were able to draw me in and had me actually caring about each of them. Nicely done!

  11. I agree. The simplicity in this scene makes it that much more enjoyable. Well executed. :)

  12. This is so creative and fun and I loved it! If anything, I'd add more details of her feelings and response.

    Love his last line. *swoon* :)


  13. loved the new way to steal kisses! :) great job!

  14. I liked the way he took them kisses. =)

  15. Lovely. You could add a few more sensations to the MC to make it even more intense, but it's already good.

  16. Thank you for participating in Can You Leave Us Breathless? Blogfest Contest. Your entry has been judged.

    Good luck!

    The Judges
    (Connie, Joannine, Marissa, and Brenda)

  17. this was breathless. *sigh*

  18. This is great! I LOVE first kisses, and the fact that HE was breathless at the sweet. :)