(Resposted with some comments taken into consideration. Thanks!)
The night was chaotic, and I welcomed every minute of it. My new café
"Can you believe the turnout?” Trisha, my manager and new best friend, bounced beside me as she rinsed a large knife under hot water. “And it’s only June! Imagine how full we’ll be when peak tourist season hits next month.”
“Yeah, it’s great.” After years of working in my parent’s restaurant this wasn’t overwhelming.
As I was about to lean down to grab a fruit flan for the next customer in line, a man about my age—maybe late twenties at the most, caught my attention. His light blue eyes were a stark contrast to his jet black hair, with irises the colour of blue jeans that had been washed too many times. They were bright though. Almost gleaming.
I’d seen him before, but never this close or for this long. A couple of times I’d caught him watching me from across the street while I spoke to the contractor about exterior renovations on the cafe. I was drawn to this mystery guy the first time I saw him, but he’d always dissapear before I got the chance to cross the street to speak with him.
Great opening details about the restaurant, but no hint of what will come or tension or paranormality (is that a word?). It's really hard to get that into the first 250, huh? )
ReplyDeleteGreat writing, Kaleen! You have a wonderful voice, and there's an immediate mystery to solve: who's the hunk, and why's he staring?
ReplyDeleteThe last sentence of the first paragraph is really long and I stumbled over it a bit. It could probably use some shortening. Also, the narrator describes the cafe as "my cafe" but she has a manager. I don't know if she's the owner or just a barista.
Not that any of these things would keep me from reading on! Well done and good luck!
I have to say, I like your story so far and I would like to read the rest! There's mystery, romance (which I love) and your description of the male character's eyes like over washed blue jeans was pretty original.
ReplyDeleteI thought the opening details about the cafe were great! I'm a little confused as to the age of the main character and the relationship between the two girls. Trisha appears to be the manager but the main character is correcting her technique.
ReplyDeleteI'm also not wowed by the introduction of the potential love interested. I think there's a way to bring up the tension without resorting "Our eyes met across the room"
Then again, this is the first 250 words, so you could totally plan to overturn that very quickly. I'm still intrigued!
Good luck!
We know we’re set in a café, so we don’t need the ‘of the café’ part of “the display case that ran the length of the side wall of the café.”
ReplyDeleteI’m also a bit put off by the MC talking to the manager like that. With the girl serving, I’d assumed she was just working there. Then the manager thing put me off – what serving girl would talk to a new manager like that? Then in the next paragraph I realised the girl must own the café, so I think you could add that she owns the café nearer the first paragraph. Maybe even write “my new café” to give a better sense of ownership in the first paragraph.
I remember this from Shelley’s last first 250 word contest, and I love this opening a whole lot better. I love that you kept that description of the bloke’s eye colour, it’s so original. In a really shallow way I would read on just because that brief description makes him sound so yummy.
I wish you all the best, and good luck!
Yeah, I kinda got lost in that third sentence of the first paragraph. If it were me, I'd break it up into about three sentences. Nice start, though.
ReplyDeleteThe passivity of the verbs in your first paragraph are slowing down the opening. Scrap the forms of "to be," and go active. That will help add some immediacy and raise the stakes.
ReplyDeleteI remember this from the last one! It's improved so much I almost didn't recognize it! It's really well done and very descriptive, and I love the description of the flan here. Yum!
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for the great suggestions! I'm crossing out/revising as they come in. :D
ReplyDeleteGreat piece! It definitely has me hooked into wanting to read more! :)
ReplyDeleteVery intrigued here, love the changes! I would definitely read on. Great job and good luck! :D
ReplyDeleteGood scene setting leaving me wanting to read more. Good luck
ReplyDeleteThis is a nice read and flows well. The only comment I have is being nitpicky, but I suggest it to save words to fit more in for next time. You say the desserts flowed fast (telling), yet in the next line you show this by saying the display case is half empty one hour after opening. I'd suggest stick with the showing, scrap the telling and condense the display case line. For example. The customers came in steady, and within the first hour of opening, the display case was down by half its stock. Now you've got spare words to tell us more about the cute guy!
ReplyDeleteI like the changes you have made. I have a suggestion about the section when you see the guy. Just a little suggestion.
ReplyDeleteex:
I was about to lean down to grab a fruit flan for the next customer in line, when a man about my age—late twenties, caught my attention. I’d seen him before, but never this close or for this long. A couple of times I’d caught him watching me from across the street while I spoke to the contractor about exterior renovations on the cafe. I was drawn to this mystery guy the first time I saw him, but he’d always dissapear before I got the chance to cross the street to speak with him.
I finished boxing the flan, eyeing him as I worked. Mesmerized by his light blue eyes that were a stark contrast to his jet black hair. With irises the colour of over-washed blue jeans. They were bright though. Almost gleaming.
But I like the voice and want to know more. Great job and good luck!
Good edits. The only part I stumbled over was "the customers came in steady". I don't have a suggestion as to how to make it stronger, but I tripped over it a bit while reading. I'm curious what your story's premise is, as I love a good ghost tale, and I'd like to see what is going on with the blue-eyed guy. :)
ReplyDelete